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Hello there! I’m your friendly neighborhood burglar and I would like to disclose what goes through my mind before I choose my next home to break into. Guess what? I’m as picky as a first time home buyer when I’m assessing a potential home because I really like my freedom and I don’t want to be caught or shot.

The first thing I look for when I’m driving around is a house that doesn’t have the garage door open and a lot of cars around. I love homes that have tall fences in the back and trees all around. What you love so much about all your privacy is actually a bonus for me when I’m breaking in because I know your neighbors can’t see me. I also look for playground sets in the backyard because I know there is likely a woman in the home and that means jewelry.

What I’m about to tell you next will shock you. I will park right in front of your house and walk confidently to your front door and I will knock and knock and knock. I have nothing to worry about because if someone answers I just ask a bogus question like, “Have you seen a little white dog in the neighborhood?” If I don’t hear anything I will walk around the house to the back and knock again. Hint: If you see a stranger knocking do not answer the door. Also, turn the TV or radio on loud so I know you are home. You do not want someone to break in while you are in the home.

Half of the homes I break into still don’t lock their doors and windows and half who have alarms don’t set them. Are you trying to make my job easier?

I can get into your house in seconds with my bump key or crow bar and I move as quickly as I can to your Master bedroom. This is the money spot and all women store their jewelry in their top drawer or under their beds. Hint: Store your valuables in the children’s closet because I don’t go in there. I also stop in the bathroom for any prescription drugs since they are worth their weight in gold. The kitchen is next and I will swipe all laptops, Ipads, phones and anything of value.

When I’m all done, I exit through the front door and walk confidently to my car and drive off. Very few people notice me because I don’t look out of place and I do this during the day when most are at work.

What are tips to make me more inclined to avoid a certain home?

Tip #1- A home with security alarm signs and cameras. (The cameras are what keep me out).

Tip #2- Any sign of a dog in the home or a beware of the dog sign.

Tip #3- Noise from a TV or radio playing.

Tip #4- A home that doesn’t have a lot of privacy so other people can see into the backyard.

Tip #5- Men’s boots on the front step is a home I don’t want to break into. (Buy some men’s work boots at a thrift shop and set them out when you leave or when you are home.)

Tip #6- A window cling deterrent that shows you’re ready for a burglar. See below for a suggestion.

And remember not to post on Facebook when you are taking that fantastic vacation because then I can just schedule you in my calendar. Thanks for listening!

–The Professional Burglar

Pretty Loaded has devised three different home “burglar deterrent” window clings that are vinyl so you can take them on and off as much as you like if you’re concerned about scaring Grandma when she comes to visit. Burglars don’t like any sign that the home is prepared for a possible burglar and they just want your stuff and not a fight. You can find these clings here or on Amazon.

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